I A****yn Joan Tha***a ****ia** being of sound mind, strong body and weary soul, do declare that these are the wishes for my funeral. Should that be necessary in the near future.
I ask that I be cremated in the most inexpensive manner possible. I would request the attendance of all my friends and lovers who can make the journey. Members of my biological family may attend too if they wish, although the event is not to be organised by or for them. At my funeral there is to be a total ban on poetry, I don't really like poetry, and it's my funeral. If you've got something to say, set it to music or speak normally. There will also be a total ban on artificial candles at my funeral. Artificial candles defeat the metaphoric symbolism of the candle. As for music I wish for John Brown's Body to be sung by those in attendance, with live musical accompanyment if at all possible. Somewhere Over the Rainbow should not be played. The funeral is to be non-religious, but you can get a little christain or pagan with it if you want.
I wish for my ashes to be baked into a mortar shell and this shell to be fired at my enemies. Should this prove impractical then I would ask that my ashes be thrown into the eyes of my enemies. Should this prove impractical then they are to be scattered at Contallan Bay near Ardpatrick in Argyll where I have many happy memories. Coordinates 55.7766, -5.6021
My enemies are as follows:
Matt Ford
Wes Streeting
J.K. Rowling
Imperialists
Landlords
The reactionary section of the intelligencia
Tony Blair